Monthly Archives: November, 2009

Why I Might Not Follow You on Twitter

Thanks for following me on Twitter. But I always check your most recent dozen or so tweets before deciding whether to follow you in return. And your using more than one or two of the following words in a single tweet will help me decide NOT to follow you:

Goals, holistic, experiential, awesome, coach (unless preceded by the word “football” or “softball”), conversation, engagement, triumph, motivate, proactive, formula, communication, development, and last but not least, passionate (unless you’re talking physical).

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The Difference One Alphabet Letter can Make

 

Wit and cleverness are alive and well, I’m glad to see!

Part 1. The Washington Post’s “Mensa Invitational” once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners.…

  1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
  2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
  3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 
  4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 
  5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it. 
  9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
  12. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 
  14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  15. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
  16. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  17. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.


Part 2. The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply “alternate meanings” for common words.

And the winners of this contest are:

  1. Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  3. Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly: Impotent.
  6. Negligent: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
  7. Lymph: To walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Testicle: A humorous question on an exam. 
  12. Rectitude: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  13. Pokemon: A Rastafarian proctologist. 
  14. Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  16. Circumvent: An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Media Disclaimers I’d like to see or hear

Donor Acknowledgment for typical NPR show:

“This program is funded by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and by Listeners like you. And by Titan Mutual Insurance, always seeking new and innovative ways to buy back our damned souls after gouging policyholders for over 100 years. Learn more at Titan-dot-guilt-dot-com.” 

Logos

Cable TV Show Content Warning:

Warning: this program may contain gratuitous lingering close-ups, excessive meaningful stares, leaden dialogue and frequent narrative lapses. Some material may be inappropriate for adults of above-average intelligence. Viewer discretion is advised.

Photo of a Nice Human Being

This a picture of my Twitter friend, "A Place To Bark" ( @aplacetobark ), who performs animal rescue tirelessly. With more people like her, the world might be a better place. If you're on Twitter, follow her!??

Aplacetobark

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