Pregnancy? You’ve got questions. We have answers. 

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs…

… then you are probably the family dog.  

The new commander of British Forces in Afghanistan hears that a Scots regiment has a specialized field hospital that’s producing fantastic results with the injured soldiers. He wants to know what is so special about the place, and arranges a tour.

When the General gets to the ward, it’s full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He’s perplexed, so he walks up to the first bed and greets the soldier there.

The patient replies:

“Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.”

The General is confused, so he just smiles and moves on and speaks to the next patient.

That soldier responds:

“Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, the Commander moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

“Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.”

Now seriously troubled, the General turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, “Is this a psychiatric ward?”

“No, not at all,” replies the doctor. “This is the Serious Burns unit.” 

You’ve reached the age when you think you’ve learned a thing or two. This is the age of pretending to know what needs to be done. So why would you let a thing like Electile Dysfunction get in your way? 

Isn’t it time you talked to Karl Rove about “LIe-Aggra” (Lie-Aggravate®)? 20 zillion wanna-be candidates already have. 

With every campaign comes responsibility: ask your Campaign Manager if your heart is big and strong enough for being President of 300 million Americans, many poor and struggling. Do not take Lie-Aggra if you already take unlimited PAC money for campaign contributions, as this may cause an unsavory drop in perceived moral standing. 

Side effects of Lie-Aggra may include back-pedaling, hypocrisy, upset voters and an abnormal lack of clear Vision. To avoid long-term injury to your place in history, seek a consultant’s help for a Presidentlal election bid lasting longer than a decade. Stop taking Lie-Aggra and call the Senate Minority Leader right away if you experience a sudden decrease in or loss of policy consistency or moral clarity. 

This is the age of exploiting factions. Talk to your campaign contributors and see if ultra-conservative America’s most self-righteous and nasty political platform is right for you.