I loved this video by the Australian Metro: a cheerfully ghoulish collection of really stupid ways to pass on.
But the question arose (posed by a Facebook friend) — what’s a “smart” way to die?
My “smart way to die” submission, just off the top of my head:
“Leading a charge up a hill in the face of enemy fire to successfully save your endangered infantry platoon, and then — just as you’re being cheered by your grateful fellow soldiers, plus your adoring mother and stunning girlfriend (who have suddenly arrived on site separately by sheer coincidence, the one bringing fresh-baked brownies, the other to show you her newest Victoria’s Secret lingerie) — tripping and falling into a cleverly-disguised enemy booby-trap consisting of a deep & inescapable vat of bourbon-flavored morphine.”
Glug, glug, ahhhhh…
Part of a speech given by President Harry S. Truman in Minneapolis on behalf of Hubert Humphrey, then running for a seat in the U.S. Senate, on October 13, 1948. President Obama might do well to quote all or part of this in his next debate with Mitt Romney… (You can read the entire speech here: http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=13046 )
PRESIDENT HARRY S. TRUMAN:
“Today the forces of liberalism face a crisis. The people of the United States must make a choice between two ways of living—a decision which will affect us the rest of our lives and our children and our grandchildren after us.
On the other side, there is the Wall Street way of life and politics. Trust the leader! Let big business take care of prices and profits! Measure all things by money! That is the philosophy of the masters of the Republican Party.
Well, I have been studying the Republican Party for over 12 years at close hand in the Capital of the United States. And by this time, I have discovered where the Republicans stand on most of the major issues.
Since they won’t tell you themselves, I am going to tell you.
They approve of the American farmer—but they are willing to help him go broke.
They stand four-square for the American home—but not for housing.
They are strong for labor—but they are stronger for restricting labor’s rights.
They favor a minimum wage—the smaller the minimum the better.
They endorse educational opportunity for all—but they won’t spend money for teachers or for schools.
They think modern medical care and hospitals are fine—for people who can afford them.
They approve of social security benefits—so much so that they took them away from almost a million people.
They favor the admission of displaced persons—but only within shameful racial and religious limitations. [Post-WWII reference]
They consider electric power a great blessing—but only when the private power companies get their rake-off.
They think the American standard of living is a fine thing—so long as it doesn’t spread to all the people.
And they admire the Government of the United States so much that they would like to buy it.
Pregnancy? You’ve got questions. We have answers.
borders on irrational.
Is she right?
is in labor?
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs…
… then you are probably the family dog.
The new commander of British Forces in Afghanistan hears that a Scots regiment has a specialized field hospital that’s producing fantastic results with the injured soldiers. He wants to know what is so special about the place, and arranges a tour.
When the General gets to the ward, it’s full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He’s perplexed, so he walks up to the first bed and greets the soldier there.
The patient replies:
“Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.”
The General is confused, so he just smiles and moves on and speaks to the next patient.
That soldier responds:
“Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.”
Even more confused, the Commander moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
“Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.”
Now seriously troubled, the General turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, “Is this a psychiatric ward?”
“No, not at all,” replies the doctor. “This is the Serious Burns unit.”
You’ve reached the age when you think you’ve learned a thing or two. This is the age of pretending to know what needs to be done. So why would you let a thing like Electile Dysfunction get in your way?
Isn’t it time you talked to Karl Rove about “LIe-Aggra” (Lie-Aggravate®)? 20 zillion wanna-be candidates already have.
With every campaign comes responsibility: ask your Campaign Manager if your heart is big and strong enough for being President of 300 million Americans, many poor and struggling. Do not take Lie-Aggra if you already take unlimited PAC money for campaign contributions, as this may cause an unsavory drop in perceived moral standing.
Side effects of Lie-Aggra may include back-pedaling, hypocrisy, upset voters and an abnormal lack of clear Vision. To avoid long-term injury to your place in history, seek a consultant’s help for a Presidentlal election bid lasting longer than a decade. Stop taking Lie-Aggra and call the Senate Minority Leader right away if you experience a sudden decrease in or loss of policy consistency or moral clarity.
This is the age of exploiting factions. Talk to your campaign contributors and see if ultra-conservative America’s most self-righteous and nasty political platform is right for you.
“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
“German,” she replies.
“No, just here for a few days.”